Parenting teenagers can be a confusing terrain to navigate. As teenagers try to be more independent, they still need guidance, even if they often don't want straightforward advice. Balancing between being too controlling and not paying attention enough when your teens have issues needs wisdom and careful handling. Knowing exactly how and why to give advice can improve your relationships with them which is what we're going to go over in this blog.
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Bridging the Generation Gap
Parents and teens often clash because parents might still feel youthful inside while teens may believe they already know everything. This dynamics make offering advice a challenge, but it's essential to maintain an openness and collaborative relation with them.
Parents should remember how fast the world is changing. What was true for them may not be the same for teens now. Have empathy for the new pressures teens face. Don't lecture what was right in the "old days" Support their need to figure out life for themselves.
Teens shouldn't just think their parents are clueless. Sure, trends, technologies and fashion evolve, but the human emotions fundamentally underneath remain constant. Parents have been through their own battles with identity, work experiences, relations, peer pressure, and tough decisions. They've gained wisdom from those experiences. So, it's worth paying attention to their stories; there might be some valuable advice hidden within them.
Building a bridge between generations requires both sides to make an effort in good faith. Parents can offer guidance while still allowing space for independence to grow. Teens, on the other hand, can learn to trust themselves while also being patient with their parents' seemingly slower pace. When both parties meet halfway, wisdom flows in both directions. Both the older and younger generations hold valuable perspectives worth sharing.
The Point of Advising Teens
Understanding the purpose of advising teenagers is crucial. It's about guiding them to solve problems on their own while still offering support. Teens often face tough situations where they need help, but it's through figuring things out themselves that they truly grow.
Effective advising isn't about giving them all the answers; it's about asking the right questions. By asking about their goals, experiences and how they think, you're helping them learn to make their own decisions. This way, they become more independent and responsible. Advising should be more like a conversation, where you provide guidance and encourage them to think for themselves, rather than just telling them what to do.
Effective advising isn't about giving them all the answers; it's about asking the right questions
Example:
In a real-life scenario where a teenager is grappling with the decision of choosing a college major, Instead of dictating a choice, effective advising would involve asking questions like, "Which all subjects or activities make you feel most passionate?" or "What kind of career aligns with your long-term goals?" This approach encourages the teen to explore their interests, values and aspirations, cultivating a sense of autonomy and responsibility in decision-making. The goal is to provide guidance through thoughtful questioning rather than imposing commands, allowing the teen to navigate and own their choices.
Common Mistakes Parents Make
Over-Parenting and Undermining Independence
It's common to want to solve teens' problems for them, but it's important to let them take the lead. Before offering advice, figure out how much help they really need at that moment.
Example:
Your teen struggles with time management and often leaves assignments to the last minute. Rather than taking over and closely monitoring all their homework, recognize that managing workload ultimately should fall on your teen's shoulders.
Ask questions to uncover obstacles, share your own past strategies and suggest potential systems, but allow them to decide whether to implement changes after they test if it works beneficially for them too. If they don't, resist your frustration. Let them face the natural results but within reasonable limits and find their own solutions. Homework problems are their responsibility to deal with, not yours. You should remember that in this age, unlike your times, expert solutions to every problem are at their fingertips. Just ensure they choose a reasonable one without insisting it must be yours.
The important thing is to help teens take charge of their own issues so they can learn how to handle things themselves, instead of relying on parents to solve everything.
Treating All Problems as Shared Burdens
Parents often tend to give too much advice by telling teens what to do right away. But giving orders like this can make teens feel like they're not in control of their own lives. Save instructions for when there's a real emergency and protection is needed.
Example:
If your teen fails a math test, avoid immediately calling the teacher or hiring a tutor. First, have a conversation to understand why they struggled. Ask about study habits, class engagement and areas of confusion. Guide them to reflect on changes they might make before taking over ownership. If they genuinely require your intervention to resolve the problem, and if something is beyond their capacity, do offer your assistance.
Failing to Customize Advice
Understand every teen and scenario differs. Ask clarifying questions before advising. Figure out whether they just want someone to listen, advice based on your experiences, or simply facts. Then, offer the right kind of support based on what they need.
Example:
Your teen admits to shoplifting. Resist launching into a lecture about theft being universally wrong. Ask questions to understand the context first. Deciding whether their actions were just a one-time experiment or part of a pattern of rebellion helps you figure out whether they need assistance or discipline right now.
How to Advise Teens Well
Engage in collaborative discussions where you guide them through analyzing their choices, but ensure they understand that the responsibility for their decisions lies with them. This approach fosters independence while still providing valuable guidance and support. Encourage them to weigh the pros and cons, consider consequences, and ultimately make informed choices that align with their values and goals. This way, they learn to take ownership of their decisions and develop essential decision-making skills for the future.
Cultivate Curiosity Over Assumptions
Before jumping to conclusions about the nature of problems or solutions, it's crucial to ask plenty of questions to grasp the full context. Problems tend to be more intricate than they initially appear. Therefore, it's important to refrain from making judgments prematurely and instead focus on continuously learning about the situation.
Example:
If your teen seems withdrawn, asking probing questions is better than assuming it's normal moodiness or depression to start your advice. Always realise there is more to it. Discover whether problems originated from academic stress, social drama, identity struggles, or other causes. Advice differs depending on the causes.
Illuminate Options and Tradeoffs
Once you understand what's going on, share caring and factual advice instead of just telling them what to do. Explain the possible results of different choices, while showing you understand and care about how they feel. Then, let them use this advice to make their own decisions.
Example:
Your teen wants to quit soccer before finals to have more study time. Ask them to walk through the likely outcomes of losing an athletics passion versus struggling in academics if overloaded. Discuss potential compromises like off-season play. Share your experiences, then affirm it's their choice.
Clarify Boundaries
Make it clear when issues are serious and need immediate action to stay safe. In less risky situations, let them know it's up to them to think about their choices and what might happen because of them.
Example:
If you find out about a teen party with alcohol, stop it right away for everyone's health and safety. This is something parents have to do, no arguments. But later, talk to them kindly about why they made that choice before deciding on any punishments.
Offer Ongoing Support
Let them know you're always ready to talk, and you're not fixated on finding one specific solution and impose your ideas into their life. Keeping communication open makes it easier for them to come to you when they need help, without feeling like they have to keep secrets.
Keeping communication open makes it easier for them to come to you when they need help, without feeling like they have to keep secrets
Example:
If your teen is dealing with friendship issues at school. Instead of providing a fixed solution, you could say, "I've noticed you've been having some challenges with your friends lately. Just know that I'm here for you whenever you want to talk. We can figure things out together and find the best way for you to handle these situations. No pressure, just open communication whenever you're ready."
This ongoing support approach assures your teen that you are available without pushing for specific resolutions, creating a space for them to share their thoughts and feelings whenever they feel comfortable.
Conclusion
When you talk to a teen, be patient and humble in your advice. Help them grow while letting them make their own choices, which is important for growing up. By working together with compassion instead of trying to control them, teens learn how to solve problems and find supportive people—skills that will help them long after their teenage years.
The key is striking the nuanced balance between being present without being overbearing - which is no easy task for parents and teens alike. But with a mutual commitment to understand one another, respectful advising provides light along the winding road toward adulthood.
FAQ
What would be your advice for teens?
My advice for teens is to prioritize open communication with trusted adults, make informed decisions, and focus on their mental and physical well-being. It's also essential to seek help when needed and to understand that mistakes are part of learning and growing.
How do you discipline a difficult teenager?
What advice to give to youths?
How can I give better advice to teens?
Can you punish a 17-year-old?
A good write up needs immediate attention. Apologies for the delay as I was away at Thiruvananthapuram - albeit for a short period - on the Foundation's work and thus, couldn't put across my thoughts forthwith.
The post is topical and also out of my heart because certain errors need immediate correction on the part of the concerned parties, failing which they can end up in catastrophic situations. I shall begin with an incident that had taken place quite a while back. There was this little boy - he was studying in class III - and stayed within my immediate surroundings . He used to board his school bus from just near my house. A well behaved and good looking…